Day 4: Getting Sperm Fit
Mike: Because my sperm quality appears to be better than Zeron's, we've agreed to try to level the playing field before the race. I now need to reduce my sperm count, or at least the quality of the sperm I have. To do this I agreed to abstain from sex and masturbation for seven days. That way my count and volume may go up, but the percentage of healthy motile sperm will go down.

To further handicap my sperm, I agreed to wear a pair of tight underpants followed by three rolls of bandage, topped off with a pair of tight, sweaty, plastic incontinence pants! As if this wouldn't heat my gonads up enough, I added a chemical heat pad which should heat my testicles to well over body temperature - if the instructions on the pack could be believed, temperatures of fifty degrees Celsius should be achieved. This should be plenty hot enough to mess up enzymes and chemical reactions essential for healthy sperm. The packet says that the heat packs should not be used directly on the skin, except the hands. I put them directly on my testicles and the heat soon makes them ache as if I have just been kicked in the balls or have sat in a bath that is far too hot. I then decide to put them in the bandages, but they are still too hot for comfort.

Zeron: I have to train my little boys up. I have to get them ready to take on and defeat Mike's. I have to wear loose trousers. Eat healthy foods, no alcohol and take regular exercise. I have a brain wave. Porn film stars produce lots of sperm so maybe one of them could give me some advice. I had persuaded Nic this is a good idea so an interview is set up for me with Pascal, the star of a number of Ben Dover films.

He's a wonder, and we get along like a house on fire. Although he gives me a lot of advice it soon becomes apparent that none of it is based in science or transmittable on BBC TV! For instance he told me to eat a lot of boiled sweets for the sugar content. "Improves the virility?" I asked. He shakes his head and laughs, "No, for the taste!" We got more and more obscene, so the whole scene was cut, as inappropriate. The camera crew were fascinated, but poor Nic just shook his head in total disbelief the whole time.

Mike: We try to drive to Dudley Zoo in order to do more shots, but the weather closes in and the VW just slips and slides on the snow and ice. The crew need lunch. They didn't get a chance to sit down and eat over the last two days so we grab a bite at a fast food place. I have so much trouble dealing with the bandages that I have to use the baby changing room to sort myself out. Eventually we have to admit defeat and give up filming for the day. This means an early night. Cool!

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Content last updated: 24/08/2005