Day 1: Sperm on the Wall
Zeron: So here I am in a house, it's about 8am and I've not even had breakfast yet. I'm with my buddy Mike, a camera crew and a producer who is grinning from ear to ear. No girls on the set (I had requested that). It's bad enough having to do what we were about to do without adding a female into the equation.

"Okay boys, go do your stuff, bring me a sample.!" Our producer has a real sexy way with words.

So we went to our room to do what boys do (usually without being told and without a camera crew following). Our apartment was a very plush two bedroom suite about eight floors up, and because I don't expect anyone to be hunting with binoculars for a guy pleasuring himself in a high rise apartment, I've left my blinds open. So, I've just spread some intellectual naked female art magazines on my bed, and am standing there, a sample pot in one hand, about to drop my trousers with the other, when Spiderman abseils down into view. This is window cleaning day! The poor guy on the harness never missed a beat (perhaps, bizarrely, he'd seen this sort of thing before) and just went about polishing the windows. I on the other hand dropped the pot and did a runner!

Eventually, with blinds drawn, I managed to produce a sample which Mike placed under a microscope and for the first time ever I saw my sperm - MAGNIFIED AND PROJECTED ON A WALL! Our producer has an odd sense of humour. Things got even more absurd as Mike and I pranced about in front of the projector so our sperm would be displayed all over our faces. Please use your imagination to come up with the numerous witty comments to do with semen swimming on our face as Mike and I did.

Dog and Sperm Racing
Zeron: The world of dog racing was totally alien to me. It was like I'd stepped into another universe. Men spoke in hand signals. Notice boards lit up facts and figures in a mystical tongue. People jumped for joy or tore up bits of paper and swore under their breath. People-watching was more fascinating than watching an actual dog race, which was over all too quickly.

Mike: I had never been to watch greyhound racing before, but it was a fun place to meet up with Allan again to chat about sperm related stuff. Zeron and I placed a couple of bets but ended up losing everything. The thing that really stuck in my mind was the crowd who shouted angrily at dogs on the other side of the track if they weren't running fast enough. Of course the dogs couldn't have heard them, even if they could understand what was being shouted. Somehow I don't think that the crowd could have run any faster, either.

Zeron: We met Dr Allan Pacey who was a great laugh, one of the lads. I jokingly dubbed him "the Spunk King" as he knew all facts and figures about the stuff. For example, he told us about a fruit fly that produces a single sperm cell, yet it's 20 times its own body length - weird! And he also told us about a dumb ass sperm race between Mike and me.

Mike: Towards the end of the evening the snow began to come down and messed things right up. The trip back was cold and slippery, so a good hot curry was more than welcome. It was difficult to find a restaurant that was open though, because by the time we got back from the shoot it was about midnight.

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Content last updated: 24/08/2005