6 hours: Driving and Anal Probe
Mike: It's one in the afternoon, and I have driven to the Millennium Dome to do some driving tests around cones. It looks tedious. I'd rather rag a car around a track, but here all I have to do is a drive through some cones as if I am parking in a garage, then do a kind of slalom with an emergency stop in it, and finally do a sort of wiggle / wobble test at high speed. Before I start I ask my instructor from Drive to Survive, a company that teaches people to drive, to give me an alcohol test as he has a little pocket tester. Thankfully I'm OK. The test turns out to be fun and I score 10/10 for driving ability. I'm not sure if this is correct, but I'm grateful none the less.

Zeron: We tripped over to the very impressive Millennium Dome to put Mike through a series of driving tests. On the way Mike confides in me that the anal probe is very uncomfortable. Although that is irritating and bothering him I could see the glint in his eyes that was saying 'this driving test is going to be major league fun!' Mike loves driving challenges.

Mike does the test and not only impresses the hell out of me he astounds the instructor who gives him a score of 10/10, which puts Mike up with some of the elite drivers in this country. In short, Mike is a natural behind the wheel of a car.

Mike: The driving test has a story behind it that I'd tried to keep quiet about at the time. It's all about that bloody anal probe. At first it seemed OK and I'm sure it would be relatively comfortable for a bed-ridden patient, but I'd been out and about. Not withstanding the occasional twinge, everything went OK for the first morning, although I had to be careful about sitting down or bending down too quickly. In fact, from seven in the morning until well into the afternoon it all seemed to be fine. The little black box that recorded my temperature was discreet and the wire leading into my boxer shorts tucked invisibly away. Even the anal probe seemed to be staying in place.

One test of my performance when tired was to drive a Ford Focus with an instructor around some simulated real life driving situations. This involved driving like a loon through a number of cones. I couldn't see that this was going to pose a problem - after all I was sitting down - however, as always in TV world even things as mundane as getting in a car have to be repeated several times to be filmed from different angles and as I got into drivers seat and slid under the steering wheel, I felt the tape on my butt cheek pull free and an unwelcome sensation in my anal sphincter. I wasn't going to replace the anal probe next to my poor instructor in the middle of a car park so I got out of the car, tucked the wire between my butt cheeks and hoped for the best.

Zeron: We head back to the house for an afternoon chill out. Once back there I start to worry that I wasn't going to be with Mike 24/7 to stop him falling asleep. I ask Dr Nathreera how would we know if Mike was cheating and catching some zz's on the sly - while, say, on the loo? She'd thought of that. And so Mike was presented with a motion detector wrist watch! I don't think Mike was impressed with me for bringing that subject up. He is given the watch and it is set to go off if he remains motionless for up thirty seconds. Sorry, Mike (hee hee hee)!

10 hours: Game show
Zeron: I am asked to host the test in the form of a games show. Mike's intelligence is to be pitted against those of a child prodigy. I like the kid, who tells me that he is the Maths Olympiad champion. For sure he's got a very quick brain but hey, he's just a kid who needs help opening a tight jar or milk carton just like any other. Mike doesn't have kids so here he was sitting across from a little monster and something had to give. Mike's motion watch was to build up enough a lot of kinetic energy as Mike repeatedly held back from throttling the genius kid!

Mike: The brainy kid was a bit of a challenge - he's really bright and very competitive.

Zeron: The test included a Stroop test where you say the colour or word printed on a card, a basic memory test (counting backwards odd or even numbers without missing a beat), a live wire test (navigating a contorted length of wire with a hoop without setting the alarm off) and tongue twisters. I eventually declared Mike the winner, but it was a tough call and definitely by a slim margin.

Mike: That night my anal probe secret was found out when the production team looked at the trace formed on a graph from the data that was recorded in the black box. Until 3pm my body temperature had been 37.2 degrees C. Then, at the very moment that the probe was pulled free, the temperature recorded plunged to 28 and stayed there. Despite repeated requests I refused to reinsert it because of the discomfort caused by the probe and the embarrassment factor.

Later, when I met some junior doctors at Smithfield market, I was told that forcing me to wear the probe under circumstances other than lying still in bed was sadistic to say the least. Although the production team kicked up about my lack of commitment to the project I felt vindicated by the doctors' comments. It's a shame as the information would have interesting, but hey - it's my arse so it's my call!

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Content last updated: 25/08/2005