So what do children want?

Professor Julia Brannen and her colleagues asked young people aged 10-12 in England about many aspects of family life, including the hours parents worked. The children in this study wanted parents to be ‘there’ for them; to provide care, help and emotional support. They wanted parents to spend time with them and to not work too hard.

These findings are backed up by those from surveys, interviews and focus groups carried out in the USA by Ellen Galinsky from the Families and Work Institute in New York. Galinsky consulted thousands of children and working parents across the USA. She covered children of different ages and ethnic groups so can be confident that her findings reflect commonly held views.

Below, are the main messages from the children’s survey, together with comments on what this might mean for parents. Think about the questions that follow, and how you might improve your work-life balance.

The messages from children

Work if you want to work - kids will turn out the same either way.
The children are not making judgements about whether or not mothers should work. They are seeing it as OK with them if this is what parents’ want. They also support the research evidence that there is no direct ‘cause and effect’ link to be found between mothers working and the way children turn out. It’s more complicated than that. It’s how stressed working makes parents, how this affects the family and how they manage this that is more important. Do you feel guilty for working because you are a mother? If you are not in employment, do you want to be? It’s living with these tensions that can make it hard for families.

Don’t take stresses at work into the home.
This was the biggest wish given by over a third of the sample in Galinsky’s study. The children wanted their parents to be less stressed when they were with them, and this was worth more to them than the amount of time they had with parents. Quality rather than quantity matters. Think about your own situation. How often do you turn down requests from children because you ‘haven’t got time’? How often do you bring work problems home that get in the way of parenting? Can you ‘switch off’ from work when you are at home?

We are proud of you.
Teach your children how to work and do something they enjoy. Children seem to value the increased self-esteem and status that work can bring for parents, and they learn from it. In what ways can you say your children are proud of you? Do they know enough about your work and if you enjoy it? Why not ask them?

Love us, raise us well, even when we are difficult.
Talk to your kids even if they act like they don’t want you to. The children are here acknowledging that parenting may not always be easy, but that they would like to know they are loved unconditionally, no matter what. They are asking that parents keep the channels of communication open, and that they really do want to be talked to even if they don’t always show it. It can be tempting to believe that television, computer games and being with other children can replace adult company. But these children are saying they cannot. How do you show your children you love them? If they are difficult, is their behaviour soon forgiven, or does your disapproval last for ages?

Discipline but don’t be harsh or judgemental.
The children are asking for clear limits to be set, and recognising that their behaviour may need to be kept in order. But they may have picked up that adults often treat children with less respect than they would other adults. Do you treat your children more harshly than you do adults? Do you take your own frustrations out on them when the problem is really with yourself?